Welcome to Side Quest, a series of posts I share on my blog from time to time that give you a peek into the weird ‘what if’ scenarios and playful thought experiments I use to keep my imagination fired up when I’m taking a break from my latest novel.

Day 482 of the Eternal Gloom

I am this close to scorching the entire Eastern province. Not because of their pathetic rebellion. Not because of their overdue tithes. But because that gilded buffoon, Sir Gideon the “Gleaming,” just ruined a perfectly good batch of Shadowberry & Ghost Pepper Preserve.

Do you know how hard it is to get ghost peppers to grow in a cursed climate? The soil pH has to be exactly 4.5.

I was at the most crucial stage. The jam had just reached a 211-degree rolling boil. I was performing the wrinkle test on a frozen plate. The set was looking exquisite. I was already picturing the blue ribbon at the All-Kingdom Confectionery Contest.

And then, he bursts in.

“By the Light of Zorath!” he yelled, probably waking the entire crypt. “Fiend! Your bubbling Plague of Eternal Blight is at an end!”

I tried to stop him. “Gideon, you oaf, watch the jars! They’ve just been sterilized!”

But no. He just had to swing that ridiculous, glowing broadsword. Smashed my copper cauldron right off the fire pit. Two gallons of premium, pectin-balanced preserve, splattered all over my rare, hand-carved despair-stone floor. It’s going to be a nightmare to clean.

“The world is safe once more, Malakor!” he shouted, pointing the sword at me.

I just… I couldn’t.

“You… you… blond-haired menace,” I sputtered. “That was my submission batch! Do you have any idea how difficult it is to achieve a consistent flavor profile?”

Did he pause to really listen? To hear me? No! He threw the pot out the window and left, looking smug.

This is the fifth time this month. He thinks my canning operation is an “alchemical weapons lab.” He “liberated” my prize-winning apricot-habanero last week, thinking it was “liquid gold” to fund my armies. I bought those apricots from a mortal farmer. A mortal farmer, Gideon! His name is Stan!

I will have my revenge. And I will win “Best in Show” for my Spiced Blood-Orange Marmalade. Just as soon as I can re-sterilize my equipment.